One Piece of Feedback That Changed Everything
In 2006, on an island in the middle of the Cape Canaveral National Seashore, I had a conversation that forever changed my perspective on what it is to be a leader. Sara and I were leading a 20-day paddling expedition with teens who were deemed ‘ungovernable’ at home or school. Our intention was to safely guide them over 200 miles through some of the most beautiful rivers and seashores of Central Florida. Along the way, we taught them skills to help manage their anger, make positive decisions, and work as a team. It was day 5 and we had just arrived at camp.
Morale among the group was low. The paddle took longer than expected due to a conflict between two paddling partners as well as a brief lightning storm. While the students unloaded their boats, Sara and I had a check-in to discuss our plan for the evening. At this point I should tell you that I had been instructing and course directing these types of courses for about 4 years. I was a senior staff member and about as overconfident as anyone could be. I was telling Sara exactly how the course was going to play out over the next several days. I would boost morale by whipping out my tiny guitar around the dinner circle. In the morning, I could get the students to complete their bucket runs by telling them funny stories while we ran. In the boats, I’ll just paddle with the slowest student so we can get there faster.
“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll make sure everything is smooth as butter!”
Sara looked at me inquisitively. We’d been exchanging feedback regularly as part of our evening check-in and our relationship was open and honest. We made an intentional effort to get to know each other during pre-course so we would be able present as a unified team to our students. She asked me, “Whose course is this Dan? Is it your course or theirs?” It took me a moment to soak it in.
It was like the moment when the Grinch’s heart grows three times bigger, or maybe more like when Bruce Willis realizes what’s really going on in The Sixth Sense. I had been making myself the star of the show. I had been doing it all wrong. I couldn’t feel my hands. I thought I was so good at my job. Students loved me. They needed me. They couldn’t possibly succeed without me. “Shit!” I thought, “That is not the kind of leader that I wanted to be.”
Sara was an intern. It was her first course and she asked me that question on day 5. Inspired by her question, I reformulated my approach to training and facilitation to be more participant driven and open to outcome. I learned how to ask powerful questions and focused less on giving powerful answers. But the point of this essay is not about espousing the benefits of a student-centered approach to learning (though there are many). It is about the ridiculousness of STATUS as a measurement of someone’s worth. Is a manager more valuable than an intern? Is it more important to show respect to a CEO than a line cook? I don’t think so.
What is it about a person that makes their opinion worthwhile? I propose that the QUALITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP is a much better indicator of how much weight you should place on their words. First, a disclaimer…everyone’s perspective is valuable in its own right. However, in the realm of personal growth and leadership development it does not make sense to absorb and act on every piece of advice or feedback you receive. So how do we know who to listen to?
Unknown/Unknown - Unsolicited advice from strangers, no matter their status, is the least valuable to us. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. Like water on a duck, we can let their comments slide right off. It’s noise and does not deserve the right to take up any of our precious brainspace.
Respected/Unknown - I have never met Brene Brown, but I have a great deal of respect for her. Sure, she has a lot of followers on social media but my respect is not based on her status. I’ve read her books, seen her interviews, and even reviewed some of her research. It’s good stuff. I take heed of the lessons she offers because they resonate with me. When someone has earned your respect, even if they don’t know you, it is worth your while to study their approach and take what is useful to you.
Mutual Respect - These relationships are the cornerstone of meaningful growth and development. When both parties hold each other in high regard, there exists a fertile ground for exchange and collaboration. In such dynamics, feedback becomes a gift rather than a burden, as each perspective is valued and honored. Whether it's a mentor who guides with wisdom or a colleague who challenges with insight, mutual respect fosters an environment where feedback flows freely and authentically. It's in these relationships that we find the most opportunity for personal and professional growth.
In the end, it wasn't my years of experience or my role that defined my worth as a leader; it was the quality of the relationships I cultivated and the openness with which I received feedback. As I reflect on that pivotal moment with Sara, I'm reminded of the profound impact that mutual respect and honest communication can have on personal growth and leadership development. So, I challenge you to consider: Whose perspectives are you truly valuing in your journey and why? And how are you fostering the kind of relationships that empower both you and those around you to thrive?
Dan Miller is the founder of Fifth Pillar Consulting. He is a respected leader in the field of experiential education and serves as a consultant, facilitator and coach for a wide variety of clients.